The End
by El Leon Y La Oveja
Summary: Starts from the well-known and tear-inducing forest scene in New Moon. Edward POV. What does the infamous breakup look like through the eyes of Edward Cullen? This is what I imagined he might have been thinking/feeling during those months apart.
1. Goodbye

_The End-Edward's POV_

The very second that I stepped into the forest, I knew exactly what I had to do. The knowledge however, did not make it any easier; on the contrary it made my forthcoming task just that much harder. I was sure that the look on Bella's face would be far too painful to even glance at so I kept my eyes locked on the tree in front of us. The warmth from her hand in mine was still an unbearable distraction so I pulled my hand gently away and in a split second, I realised that it had come down to this.

I was a vampire. She was human. There was nothing on this Earth that could block out that undeniable truth. And my world was too dangerous for her. Bella was, as she had been the day that I had first set eyes upon her, so dangerously breakable. It was unbelievably selfish of me to put her through the agony and worry for a day longer.'If you love someone, sometimes you have to let them go.' The phrase swam into my mind and lingered there and suddenly I had whole new volumes to preach its meaning. I'd thought myself fairly intuitive before, intelligent even. How was it possible that out of the blue, such words that I would claimed to have understood were all of a sudden blaring out new messages to me? I finally sympathised with those who had let loved ones go. As much as I had tried to empathise in the past, I was coming to realise that those assumptions had been but a step in the right direction towards the immense pain that was connected to losing a loved one.

Bella stood behind me, breathing so loudly that I knew exactly what she was thinking, despite the absence of her thoughts in my mind. That, for once, I was exceedingly grateful for. That I would not be able to hear Bella's thoughts during the conversation that we were about to have was the only advantage that I possessed. For if her thoughts were clear in my mind, at any hint of possible agony and distress, I would never be strong enough to leave her. At least as long as she remained silent, I could convince myself that what I was doing was the best thing for her.

You are a vampire, I told myself, trying desperately for the first time in centuries. I wanted to feel like a vampire in the next few minutes. Too many human emotions would destroy me. Not that I cared in the slightest for myself- if I did, I would never have considered leaving- but because my human weaknesses would definitely prevent me from walking away. That, at least, I owed to Bella. It was going to be hard enough for her, without my emotions getting in the way. I always had to be the stronger of the two of us, the one with the self-control, the one who kept her safe. That would not end, even in this moment. I just had to detach myself from all traces of Edward, from my family and from Carlisle. Everytime I thought of him,, I knew how disappointed he had been when I had explained my decision to my family. Not disappointed in me, for me. Carlisle loved me in a way that I didn't deserve. He treated me like a human, like any one of the innocents that walked this planet alongside our kind. But I was not like those people. I was a monster, a killer. Willingly but slightly disgustedly, I let my mind wander back to those rebellious adolescent days. The adrenaline that came with the scent in the air, the rush as I pursued the chase, the glorious taste of blood meeting my lips, my parched, dry, longing lips. The blood that I'd longed for ever since my birth. Human blood.

To even think those thoughts with Bella so close was torturous. She deserved so much better than me. Someone who could give her a life, not someone who would gladly take away her life for their own gain. I'd taken away lives before, for my own gain. With Bella gone, what was there to stop me from returning to that life of sin and murder, the life of a vampire? I couldn't think of any thing. I WAS a vampire. I couldn't pretend any longer. Ever since that day in the meadow, with Bella, I'd been digging deep for my human self, the self that wasn't there. It didn't exist. A few instincts were unburied now and then but they were unnatural. A part of me would always hold back, a part of me would always remain inhuman. A dominant part. Bella's blood aroused the monster in me and I was ashamed to admit it. How sick was it to watch your loved one bleeding before your eyes and be able to think of nothing but the taste of their blood, their warmth and the potency of their scent? I had envied Carlisle the night of Bella's birthday. He had been able to help her, to repair her wounds while I couldn't even sit beside her to hold her hand. What a pathetic excuse for a protector. Bella needed protection from me, from someone who would stand by as she fell deeper and deeper into a black pit of a future, into a soulless, sleepless, never-ending forever. My love and longing for her only made her more vulnerable, more endangered.

There was not much time in which to act. I had spent a second contemplating those things and Edward was rapidly stirring inside the monster. I had to walk away before he could pull me back. I knew myself. I was far weaker than I'd ever deemed possible. Another reason to cut and run before it was too late. I leaned against the tree that I'd been walking towards, turning reluctantly to face Bella. I carefully removed all traces of emotion from my expression, my face hopefully a picture of nonchalance. Bella's was determined, I noted at first glance but did not search too deeply into her expression. I wished that she was harder to read; I didn't want to uncover her feelings. I sincerely hoped that she wasn't planning a dramatic fight. I'd prepared myself for a certain amount of resistance, stubborn as Bella was but I prayed that at my constant refusal to stay, she would back down and let me walk away.

"Ok, let's talk." Bella spoke quietly, her voice oddly steady. It was as I'd feared. She hadn't grasped that I was leaving alone. I had no choice. Emotions were building up and if I didn't leave now, I'd never get away. With a start I realised that walking away from Bella's scent was going to be almost as challenging as leaving Bella herself. I took one last deep, heavenly breath, inhaling her for the last time. My nostrils and throat burnt but I would have suffered that forever just to stay. As the shock of my deep breath wore off, I could see clearly. My vampire instincts were hopefully beginning to kick in.

"Bella, we're leaving."

That was a stupid answer. I was mentally kicking myself. It was far too ambiguous. Bella would obviously assume that by we, I meant both of us. Now I was just going to cause her unnecessary pain, it would draw the process out.

"Why now? Another year-" I had to stop her before she got too far into a reply. The less Bella talked, the more likely I was going to be able to leave. I hated interrupting people but I had no choice.

"Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless." My harsh tone was even upsetting me. I could see that my reasoning had confused Bella. She still believed that we were leaving together. As she stared at me, struggling to see, I wondered silently if it would be better to let her work it out herself. Would she be more hurt if I told her? Suddenly, Bella clicked. Her face went pale white and I could almost hear her pain.

"When you say we-" she began, her voice hardly audible. The next words I spoke were extremely difficult to get out. This was the moment. Was I prepared to do it? Yes, I was. Could I do it? I had no answer. Whatever words came out next would shape the rest of my life- the rest of eternity. I stared at Bella, completely dazed. I had no idea what to say or do.

"I mean my family and myself."

It was done. There was no confusion, no ambiguity now. I had set the future for myself. I felt dead inside, empty. I didn't feel proud of myself for being able to say it, I didn't feel anything except the absence of everything. Emptiness took on a new meaning. It took me a few moments to realise that Bella was shaking her head. I felt a sinking feeling. I would still have to fight my way out; I had always known that Bella would not let me leave without putting up resistance. I waited for her argument, with no wish for an immediate response. I needed time to plan my defence because I wasn't at all sure if I would be able to stand my ground.

"Okay. I'll come with you." Easy enough to refuse. Not easy of course, but easier to handle than tears or words of love. I was careful not to hesitate, not to breathe.

"You can't, Bella. Where we're going...it's not the right place for you." It was harder than I had thought. Just the slightest hint that I would be away from her in a few minutes was extremely painful. And the we, indicating my family meant nothing because I knew that I would be more alone than ever once Bella was gone.

"Where you are is the right place for me." Bella continued, persisting. I didn't want to hurt her further so I decided it would be better if I tried the 'it's-not-you-it's-me' route. How ridiculously cliche it would sound. Although that particular excuse had the advantage of being partly realistic. I was a vampire, hardly a match made in heaven for such a fragile human girl.

"I'm no good for you Bella." How true it was, yet it still hurt me to say it. I had let this go on for far too long.

"Don't be ridiculous. You're the very best part of my life." Bella's pleading was killing me. I would have much rather she shouted or screamed.

"My world is not for you." More truths. But they hurt no less.

"What happened with Jasper-that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!"

"You're right. It was exactly what was to be expected." By twisting her words, I don't know what I was aiming to achieve. I was hoping that she would falter and give me the chance to end it for good. My thoughts almost caused me to shudder in dread but I caught myself before I could give my true emotions away.

"You promised! In Phoenix, you promised you would stay-" Bella was saying all the wrong things. Or the right things, depending on which way I looked at it. I didn't need her tempting me to stay. There were more than enough things making sure of that, least of all, the light breeze wafting Bella's scent into my throat. As hard as I tried not to breathe, it was not feasible to except Bella's extraordinary taste to evade me for long.

"As long as it was best for you." I finished for her.

"No! This is about my soul, isn't it? Carlisle told me about that and I don't care, Edward! I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you-it's yours already!"

So Carlisle had understood the reasons behind my refusal. It would have been a far simpler solution to change Bella. But I was not prepared to do that to her. It was one thing when we were dying but Bella was young, healthy and she had her life ahead of her. What kind of person would I be if I took that all away from her? But was she giving her...consent? A thin smile tried to break through my lips...NO! Bella's life would not end that way. Which left me one other option.

I stared morosely at the ground, delaying the moment. It was approaching fast and I could not postpone it for much longer. This was it. The end of Bella and I. My forever began today. Or ended, depending on how I saw it. In my current state of pessimism, my forever was rapidly spiraling into a black hole. It was likely that I would never see her again after this. Never see her blush, never see her smile, never gaze deep into her beautiful eyes again. All these things I was giving up. These things I had to give up. For Bella. This was the moment. My mind was clear, my thoughts were settled, I knew what to do and it would only take nine small words. Nine small words... so why couldn't I get them out? I had to force myself to think of other things and distract my mind. Nine small words. Nine small words to save Bella's life. Only by thinking of it that way was I able to utter them.

"Bella, I don't want you to come with me." I spoke coldly, with precision, to bestow the meaning upon Bella as best I could. There could be no doubt about my intentions now. I hoped that her arguments would cease. As she understood, my eyes watching her keenly and hesitantly for a response, Bella's face settled into an image of confusion. After I'd spent every waking hour for the last six months telling her otherwise, I doubted that my words would sink in immediately, that she would believe me.

"You don't want me?" Bella asked. The clear hurt in her voice was too much to bear. She was asking me to confirm it? Confirm it? I couldn't confirm that! Of course I wanted her! I'd never wanted anyone more! And that was exactly the reason for my departure. It was of Bella's broken body, lying in a ruined ballet studio, all thanks to me, that I thought of as I spoke the word that I'd been procrastinating ever since we'd met.

"No."

As I stared into her eyes, the full force of the lie that I'd just told was unleashed. I realised what I'd said. What I'd just done. The worst part of it all was that her face was no longer confused or determined. Bella saw my blank expression and she believed me. Bella Swan honestly believed that I didn't want her with me. Hurt, pain, torture, sadness, regret swept through me as I saw that Bella was feeling all those things because of me. She thought that I didn't want her and the fight had left her completely. The sparkle was no longer present in her eyes. It felt like I'd committed a great crime, a sin, to say that one word to her. Guilt didn't even begin to cover what I was feeling. I could scarcely believe what I'd actually told her. Out of all the bad deeds in my existence, over jealousy, theft and murder, it was indisputably and unequivocally the worst thing that I'd ever done.

"Well, that changes things." Bella replied in a dead voice. I hardly heard. I couldn't bear to face her, knowing that the pain in her eyes was my doing. It was my fault that Bella was suffering. What had I done to us? Suddenly I was unable to look at her for a second longer. I couldn't control my expression. The calm exterior was slipping away and I didn't want her to see my pain. That would only make hers so much worse. Before I lost control completely, I looked away from her, into the dark forest that would host my solitude in a few moments. The absence of Bella's face did my emotion no good. Her blank, dead stare was burnt into my mind, something I knew, even then, that I would never forget, even if I lived for the rest of eternity. Although that eternity was going to be painful and torturous for me, I had to say something to ease her suffering as much as possible. I spoke carefully without turning to face her.

"Of course, I'll always love you...in a way." Trying to soothe her yet refraining from giving her false hopes was very difficult. "But what happened the other night made me realise that it's time for a change." The words actually stung as they left my lips. Goodness knew what they were doing to Bella. I tried not to think, to detach my brain from the rest of me. "Because I'm...tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human." I was attempting to convince myself as well as her and I looked at her again, my nonchalance regained. How was she receiving my excuses? "I've let this go on much too long and I'm sorry for that."

That, at least, was the truth. By procrastinating our parting, I'd only prolonged the agony and distress of the moment itself. I should have stayed in Alaska after that fateful Biology lesson. I should never have retreated continuously to Bella's room at night, addicted to her scent, returning almost involuntarily every evening. By staying in Alaska, Bella would at least be happy now, she would be living a normal life. No, that was completely wrong. If I'd stayed in Alaska, Bella wouldn't be alive now. So many times I had supposedly saved her. Would it have been kinder to let Tyler's car flatten her, as Jasper had suggested? Had I really had her best interests at heart when saving her in Port Angeles?

"Don't. Don't do this." Bella's voice, suddenly flooded with agony to match my own broke into my thoughts. She was desperate, pleading with me. I had no idea how to deal with her. She was completely unselfish, as I had known since my first conversation with her. Telling her that she was in danger would not bother her. Bella didn't place herself above me. She placed me at the top of her priorities. Irrational but true. I was not prepared to back down now. I had to get her to let me walk away. The only way to get her co-operation or at least, acceptance, was to suggest that she was causing ME suffering. I was almost certain that she would then allow me to leave her, however reluctantly, because Bella was not selfish. She would do it for me. And I for her. How ironic that even in our final moments, we would let each other go, for each other's sake.

"You're not good for me, Bella." Which was the wrong way round and I knew it. By the expression on Bella's face however, she thought that I'd got it right. The fight seemed to leave her. It took her a few attempts to get words out.

"If...that's what you want." I couldn't even feel glad that my ploy had worked. Instead, I was ashamed by my dishonesty and the skill of my lies. Bella was going to let me go. And that was all I needed. A few more minutes of concentration and then I'd be able to feel again. What I would feel, I was still uncertain. It was taking most of my self-control to block out the majority of my emotion and that control would definitely lapse the second that Bella and I parted. Part of me, the part closest to where my heart used to be, didn't even want to explore my blocked-out feelings. I wanted to lock them away for eternity. But that was what a vampire would do. When I left Bella, I could at least try to cling to every last ounce of humanity that I had left.

I nodded, in reply. I couldn't trust my voice enough to give her a verbal reply. I had to compose myself though; there was one important thing that I wanted to tell Bella. My departure was likely to destroy her, at first and I needed to make sure that she didn't completely forget herself.

"I would like to ask one favour though, if that's not too much." Bella's face suddenly broke into a vision of distress but with a slight hope that had been ignited by my last request. I felt remorse flash across my face as I realised that Bella's hope was to be crushed. True, I still cared about her but my last request was not the typical 'don't ever forget me' or 'never forget that I love you' that appeared on so many romantic films and lined the pages of books and plays. I hoped that Bella had not been expecting words such as those. I was to stay true to my character in at least one area today. My last request would not give Bella hope for my return. It could not. That would be nothing more than cruel, however romantic it may seem. No. There would be a last request; I was nothing if not thorough but it would be practical rather than amorous. I quickly regained control, hopefully before Bella saw any trace of my emotions. I waited for her reply to my question.

"Anything." Bella replied, sounding passionate, as if she were prepared to do any task that I commanded. Unfortunately, that was probably the case. I stared into her eyes, regretting so completely what I was doing. At the same time as telling her goodbye, I wanted to send her messages of love, of how I would never be the same person again. Her hold on me was unbreakable yet I was excruciatingly severing the bonds between us. All I could feel was utter regret, shame and choking guilt that was building up like a crescendo. I couldn't control myself for a second longer. I felt the nonchalance sliding away. To cover up my face, I had to speak.

"Don't do anything reckless or stupid. Do you understand what I'm saying?" I wanted Bella safe, so I fought for the calm and uncaring aura. It returned slowly. I turned my full attention back to Bella. I yearned for her safety but it was too contradictory to tell her that. Instead, I used her other loved ones as an excuse. "I'm thinking of Charlie, of course." I continued. "He needs you. Take care of yourself- for him." I had to ensure that Bella was protected. That was another of my more human threads still bound to her very existence. I hated the thought of leaving her alone.

"I will." Bella whispered. Neither of us believed her.

I also needed to get the most painful point across to Bella. I couldn't have her living in false hope, waiting for a return that would never come. I knew myself, not nearly as well as I had thought, but well enough. I was sure that if I knew that Bella was waiting for me to go back to her, then I would. I would not be strong enough to stay away. So I had to make it crystal clear to her that I had no intentions of coming back to Forks. I had motives to return, I had the wish, I had the undying longing for Bella but these, I had to banish. They could not be allowed to take over me. It was with this in mind that I spoke again.

"And I'll make you a promise in return. I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without anymore interference from me. It will be as if I've never existed."

And then, I saw all my memories of Bella, in one flash, in front of my eyes. Catching her eye in the cafeteria while her blank mind continued to evade me. Watching enviously as Mike asked her to the dance, hoping subconsciously that she would refuse him. The way her body felt in my arms as I pushed a van away from her and then her fury as I refrained from explaining myself. I watched her sleep again, murmuring my name and experiencing once again, the strange chill that it sent running through my frozen body. My fists clenched at my sides when I recognised the men from Port Angeles, chasing after the girl whom I protected. I was swarmed with remorse when I watched her discovering the truth about me. Our day in the meadow lingered in my mind for longer than the other memories; I glittered in the sun and drew closer to Bella...closer...dangerously close and then our lips met in exultation for the first time...our words of love for the first time. My joy was replaced with fear as James leered at Bella across a baseball field and the memories sped up, lightening bolts across my mind. Fury at Jasper and Alice for letting her escape...my immense regret at the sight of her lying alone in a ballet studio with a dangerous and cunning vampire kneeling by her side, instead of me...the taste of Bella's blood in my mouth and the breathtaking realisation...the horrendous thought that I would not be able to stop. Then, Bella was in the hospital, Renee by her bedside, crying over her unconscious daughter, Charlie whispering apologies that Bella never heard. All the time, I lay silent, knowing that it was my fault.

Then the picture froze in my mind, like a paused DVD. The scene displayed could not have been more significant. Jasper was snapping his teeth at me and I was in between him and Bella, preventing my own brother from killing the girl that I loved. All the time, I could smell Bella's blood from behind, as she landed in a pile of broken glass. And then I could see clearly. That was the reason why all this had become necessary. Jasper's vicious snarling was still echoing in my head. Bella needed protecting from every aspect of my world, even my own family. Not one of them besides Carlisle, even myself, was able to stay with Bella, too tempted by her blood to help her. What sort of protector was I? My attempts to save Bella had only resulted in her injuries and pain, time and time again. Because of me, Bella was not strong enough to leave. So I had to leave her before I was unable to protect her from the dangers of my life. I understood why I was doing what I was doing and only that kept me strong enough to continue. I then knew that I would be able to leave, because I was doing it for Bella's benefit, not in spite of her.

"Don't worry," I told Bella, smiling, trying to hold on to my new discovery. If I was able to keep that thought in my mind, I would be able to leave. I would be strong enough. Bella was shaking; I hoped that she wouldn't faint. That would be a problem because I couldn't just leave her lying on the forest floor but nor could I rush over to catch her. Anything that brought me physically closer to her now was only going to delay my departure further. "You're human-your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind." I spoke those words praying that they were true. I had few human memories but for a different reason. I didn't remember how easy it was to forget things. If it was easy at all.

"And your memories?" Bella croaked. I felt instantly bad. She didn't still care for my feelings, did she? Or maybe she was just hoping that I'd never be able to forget her.

"Well, I won't forget." I forced out a smile to lighten my words. "But MY kind...we're very easily distracted." It hurt just to say it. Nothing would ever sufficiently distract me from my memories and regrets. I took a step away from Bella. A step away from her, a step towards a new and probably tortured existence.

"That's everything, I suppose." I added, trying despite everything, to prolong the moment in which I would actually walk away. "We won't bother you again." I hoped that she would register the plural. I'd asked my family to keep their distance too.

"Alice isn't coming back." Bella realised. It was not a question but a chance for me to confirm her fears. Bella would never heal if she thought that Alice would return to see her. I had to tell the truth.

"No. They're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye."

"Alice is gone?" Bella couldn't grasp it. I wished that there had been a way to avoid this; Bella had just lost most of her closest friends in one swoop. But leaving the rest of my family behind would not have been enough of a separation. There would be too many chances for Bella and I to see each other again.

"She wanted to say goodbye but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you." Convinced was putting it mildly. Alice had put up a long and difficult fight and she hadn't spoken to me since. Even Carlisle was only behind me half-heartedly. Of course, his public front was supportive and understanding but I had an extra insight into his mind. Carlisle knew that I would find it hard enough, without disapproval from was merely feeling guilty and Rosalie was nothing less than delighted. She'd never warmed to Bella. It was wrong of me to treat my family so rudely, forcing them to leave but I was so concerned about Bella that I hadn't given my family a single thought.

Bella was unable to reply. I'd told her everything that she needed in order to move on. This was it. I racked my brain for something else to tell her but there was nothing. No more excuses. No more delay. Zero hour. Time to end it, Edward.

"Goodbye, Bella." I uttered, calmly. Something inside me froze, like I was human again and about to jump off of a building without a valid reason. Bella snapped.

"Wait!" She cried out, trying to cling on to the moment. She didn't want me to leave anymore than I did. I moved swiftly over towards her but in the second it took me to get there, my reasoning was reaffirmed. It was not safe for me to stay with Bella. It was not right. My hands, halting on their way to hold her, took her wrists instead and held them at her sides. I could not risk her reaching for me or my control and nonchalance would certainly not hold. I slowly leaned in and brushed my lips on her forehead for a second.

"Take care of yourself." As I inhaled, her scent caught me. For that split second, I thought that I would never be able to walk away but the feeling passed. In my mind, I held two images. First, Bella screaming in agony as James's teeth cut into her wrist and second, of the vision that Alice had. Bella, pale white and ice-cold, the most beautiful vampire in the world, smiling slightly, part of my family. Both of these were or would be, my fault. Both were unfair to Bella. It was in this frame of mind, with those thoughts and memories, that I left Isabella Swan. But I was not strong enough to walk away. I ran away. I left Bella so fast that I didn't even get a last glimpse of her face. I did not stop running until her scent had completely faded. Even then, I did not stop running even though I had nothing to run from. Part of it was that I had nowhere to run to. Or rather, no one.

I did not stop until I found myself in the one place that held any kind of comfort for me. The meadow. And there, I collapsed on the ground, dying, in pain, suffering, learning the true meaning of agony. If I had been human or at least able to cry, I would have cried. So what did vampires do instead of crying? I'd never had to think about it before. As I lay in the meadow, I don't know what I was doing. My carefully planned facade had been flung away, hopefully not where Bella could see. Bella...The sound of that name sent sharp pains throughout my body and although it had died, long ago, my heart felt as though it was cracking into tiny pieces. Love, life, meaning...over.

It could have been hours that I lay there, cursing myself for ever leaving Bella. When first light came up, I didn't even move. Let some human see me. Perhaps I would leave Edward Cullen behind. Maybe he would be no more. I could easily hunt humans again. A vampire, surely would not feel the emotions that were torturing me; stabbing, biting, attacking me. If I became the red-eyed monster of my past, perhaps I could leave Edward here with all the memories of Bella Swan. It seemed like my only alternative. I didn't even care what Carlisle thought of me. I had gone down in his estimation anyway. I'd given up on Bella.

I caught the scent of a human. Without a second thought, I latched on to it. It offered me an escape from the pain and torture of living away from...

The scent pulled me in. Behind a tree, I saw two human women, pouring over a map. I crouched down low, silent and swift, preparing to pounce, preparing to kill two innocent people. As I jumped, a face burst into my mind. Her eyes were petrified, her face was deathly white from the fear. It was as if she was watching me. What was I doing? Appalled and disgusted with myself, I landed and then moved away, in the opposite direction to the hikers. Had I been about to murder two harmless innocent women merely to distract myself from my own pain? Inexcusable. I was definitely going to hell after that; if I hadn't seen that face in my mind, both women would be dead and cold by now. I threw myself to the ground again, gripping a nearby branch to vent some of my pain. The thought, no, the realisation that I was never going to see Bella again was like the worst torture. She could be being attacked right now; I'd never know. I was no longer Bella's protector. I was no longer Bella's anything. Her life was a mystery to me. If she died tomorrow or in eighty years, I'd never know. And that was the way that it was supposed to be...but I had never felt so sad before, so utterly miserable. Would this feeling ever go away? I doubted it. My love for Isabella Swan would never fade, lessen or disappear. I had been permanently altered by her and that would last whether I was with her or whether I never saw her face again.

The roar of an engine cut into my depression for a second. I recognised the sound before I saw the black Mercedes, driving off road, headed towards me. This was it. I had to make my choice. My family would want me to go back to Bella and it wouldn't take much persuasion. When Esme saw how distraught, how ridiculously suicidal I felt, she would insist that I go back to Forks. Was it fair to my family, to bestow such depression and misery on them? Of course not. I wanted to be aggressive, to kill and if I couldn't kill humans...

Victoria. What if I removed the last threat to Bella? My goodbye present to her- a present that she would never know that she'd received. I couldn't be around my family, that much was certain. There was so much agony inside me that I had to vent my sorrow upon something. The black Mercedes was getting closer to me. I could see the driver clearly. Our eyes met. Before I could hear his thoughts, I gave him one, desperate, agonising, tortured look and then I ran. I ran away, into the forest, away from the meadow, away from the Mercedes and away from Edward.


	2. Succumbing Part 1

Time had passed. Of that, I was certain, if of nothing else. How had been possible for me to be so obtuse before? Had I never noticed just how cruel time was, especially to my kind? My days and nights had merged; there was no distinct separation between light and dark in my world any longer. Time was wreathed in shadow and it took great delight in dancing past, in torturing, mocking and teasing me. Time was the single thing that I was aware of. I did not measure it as I had done before, nor did I forget it completely but years, months, weeks, days had all lost their significance. It could have been any day of the week, any month of the year and any old year in eternity.

To me, time was how long I had gone without seeing Bella. One month had passed since our parting and I knew due to the torture of each and every day. Thirty of those had passed, long and miserable. I had not counted them consciously but every inch of my being, every last thought was holding on to time. I had remained strong for thirty days, each morning forcing myself to make it through another twenty-four hours, no distractions powerful enough to waver my focus for even a second. Every night, I had sat through the darkness, only to find the dawn's light dispiriting and insignificant. Thirty times, my brain had ordered for my tolerance, to put up with the agony. Then, I could not stand it for any longer. It only took a couple of days to make my plans.

It felt strange, surreal, to stand in the airport alongside normal humans. Just gazing upon their flushed cheeks as they hurried frantically for flights made me ache to see Bella again. I would not have to wait long. My month was up. I was not strong enough to stay away, I had proved that to myself. Perhaps if I begged, Bella would agree to let me back into her life. Perhaps not. At least I would be able to see her, to know that she was safe, happy.

Why had I ever left in the first place? For Bella, of course. But even my willpower was starting to crumble at the thought that she might not be moving on either. I would allow myself to wallow in pity, in darkness, in pain, for the rest of forever but Bella could not be permitted to live such a life. Her happiness was too important. I needed to see her, to evaluate the situation for myself. Only that way could I determine what the best course of action was. I, even though I had known how deeply and truly I loved Bella, could never have dreamed of the effect that our parting would have. My immense depression was far more agonising than I'd guessed. I could and would tolerate it but if Bella was unhappy too, where did that leave us? I had left to give her a better life but I needed her so much that nothing could stop me from returning.

"Can I help you?" The woman at the desk smiled politely at me. In her mind, she was entertaining far less appropriate thoughts. I had not missed being around humans in general, for that very reason. Their minds were often so vulgar and immature. Without a word, I handed over my passport and travel documents, blocking her further thoughts from my mind.

"Enjoy the flight." I nodded politely and accepted my documents. Trying not to walk away too quickly, I strode off towards the gate. My pain would not ease until I saw Bella's face but it was beginning to subside. Very slightly.

My flight was not due to leave for another hour, which meant that I had time alone with my thoughts. At the present, that was not a desirable set of circumstances. To keep myself from further pining for Bella, I instead turned my mind to how I could occupy myself until I arrived in Forks.

Phoning any of my family was out of the question. They would be ecstatic at the news of my return but for some unknown reason, I did not want to share my decision with them. Alice may have seen it but hopefully would not reveal my whereabouts to Esme and Carlisle until I chose to tell them. Putting my family through any further pain was inexcusable. Their continued involvement in the situation would only render it that much more difficult for them. I let my mind drift back to the night that I had announced my decision...

Alice had been the first to speak. I noticed, despite my depression, that her voice was unnaturally high.

"You're not really going to go through with this, Edward." Alice had not sounded very convinced of that, however much she told herself that I would not be able to leave.

"What do you see, Alice?" I replied coldly. Alice's expression became blank for a second or two.

"I see you leaving, for now at least. But you'll change your mind. It won't last. You can't stay away from her." I shook my head, furiously.

"The future won't change now. This is what I'm doing. It's the only way." Esme's head was bowed. "Esme, there's nothing else I can do to save her." I explained, feeling even more angry. I didn't want to have to justify my decision. It was going to be hard enough, without the added knowledge that all of my family were against it. I glanced at Carlisle, seeking support. If he was opposed, then my task had just become that much harder. He met my eyes.

"I will support whatever decision you make, Edward." I was grateful for that and was trying to avoid thinking of what I was going to have to do. I would never be able to convince my family to leave Forks if they could see the hesitation in my eyes, read the doubt and sadness in my expression. With a straight face, I looked around at everyone.

"You need to leave tonight." I told them, sorrow starting to slip into me. I was severing the first bonds between the Cullens and Forks, between myself and Bella.

Alice laughed, a high musical note. She exchanged a glance with Emmett and Rosalie. I glared at her. Didn't she think that it was painful enough for me, without her constant resistance?

"Come on, Edward! Cut the melodrama, please! We've had too much of that recently." Alice spoke playfully.

"Melodrama? Melodrama?" I repeated, past fury now. I was literally seething. "You think I'm being melodramatic now? Do you think what happened was nothing? Don't you realise how..." I could not keep my voice from shaking. "...dangerous our world is for Bella? I cannot put her through this again. I WILL NOT."

Alice shook her head, refusing to listen. "I know you, Edward. You won't be able to stay away, even if you do leave. So you may as well cut out the drama and stay in Forks. And maybe send Jasper and me hunting next time Bella comes round." Alice giggled and nudged Jasper. He looked down, ashamed. I swallowed, trying not to lose it completely. Alice went far beyond annoying sometimes.

"There won't be a next time, Alice. Bella will not be endangered again." Alice scowled.

"You're so pathetically stubborn, Edward. And come to think of it, so is Bella. I can't exactly picture her letting you walk away without a fuss. She's even more melodramatic than you!" I couldn't argue with that.

"STOP!" I shouted, snarling at Alice. "Don't you think that this is hard enough for me without you trying to talk me out of it? Do you think that I want to leave...Forks? But I can't think about myself now. Bella's life is constantly being endangered, because of me. Because of what I am."

"Send me away from my best friend then." Alice muttered, as she sat down at the long table. "Don't let us see her again. Leave Bella here and let us move as far away as possible." Her sarcasm was impossible to miss.

"That's exactly what I plan to do." I took a deep breath and stared around the room. "You need to leave. Everyone. Tonight. I'll stay here for a few days and...sort things out." It hurt beyond belief just to imagine it. I winced slightly. Alice jumped at my reaction.

"And when Edward can't do it, we'll move back and laugh about all of this. Jaz, if we book a hotel room for the week, it will probably be better than actually moving all our stuff to a new house." Alice sounded triumphant. She had no idea that I was actually going to go through with my plans. I had to. For Bella.

"Alice," Carlisle started. She jumped up, gracefully, still happy.

"Do you want me to phone that great hotel in Alaska?" Alice chirped. "Can I drive?" Carlisle stopped her.

"Alice, we are going to listen to Edward." She looked at him, incredulously.

"Oh, come on! We all know that Edward's never going to leave! He loves her too much!"

"Alice, this is what Edward has chosen. Please respect his decision." She stood up, sharply and glared at me.

"I'll see you, Edward." Alice snapped and stepped out of the open window. We all heard the unmistakable sound of branches snapping in the forest. I couldn't let her leave without making sure she understood me clearly.

"ALICE!" I shouted into the night. The snapping halted.

"What?" Alice snarled at me, her voice echoing through the darkness.

"I don't want you to interfere in Forks once I've gone. Any of you." Alice sprang up so that she was balanced on branch and our faces were level, just two hundred feet apart.

"I won't ignore you." Alice promised, her tone still sharp. "But the second that you give in, I'll be on the next plane to Forks. I'll keep my word as long as you keep yours."

And she vanished into the darkness once again.

_**Author's Note: Thanks for all the great reviews!!! Yes, this chapter is short but it's going to be part one of two chapters, both entitled 'Succumbing'. I just wanted to end this here and start the next one in a different way. It should be up in the next day or two. I've got all weekend with nothing to do but French hw so I'm sure part 2 will get posted!! **_

_**Love everyone who reviews!!! =) =) **_

_**El Leon Y La Oveja XXxxXX**_


	3. Succumbing Part 2

_I know that this part is quite short but the next full chapter will be up soon and should be much longer! Hope you enjoy reading! _

_XX El Leon Y La Oveja_

I wouldn't have been at all surprised if Alice had come racing through the airport, anxious to catch the very same plane back to Forks that I was waiting for. I was about to break my promise which in effect, ended her commitment to our agreement that she should not interfere in Bella's life. As soon as I set foot in Forks, Alice was at liberty to follow me, which I was sure that she would, as soon as she saw my decision. As much as Alice was entitled to return alongside me, I was already thinking of ways to dissuade her from going back to Forks, at least for a few days because I had to do this alone. I didn't want my family around to influence Bella's reaction in any way. I knew Bella and if she thought that her instant dismissal of me would result in disruption of the lives of my family, she would allow me back into her life. I didn't want her to feel that she had to take me back due to my family's wish to return to Forks, I wanted Bella to want me. Selfish though that may have seemed, I had lived without her for far too long. It had been a mistake, an awful, idiotic, rash mistake ever to leave her in the first place. Now, I was to put that right. None of the reasons that I had used against her in the forest seemed at all valid now. My reservations were insignificant next to the pain that our parting had brought. What I had given up was simply too great. The exchange was not worth it.

The closest door to where I was sitting opened and with it, a burst of people came into the hall. They had obviously been in the air for quite some time, as far a human flights went. Most of the passengers looked exhausted and stumbled into waiting friends' arms half-heartedly. There was however, one couple that caught my eye. Their thoughts called to me, for some unknown reason and I glanced over to where they were meeting.

The man had a bunch of flowers in his hand and although his fiancee was clearly tired and hardly able to walk in a straight line, her entire being lit up at the sight of him. Her exhaustion vanished and she launched herself into his arms. They embraced happily, their thoughts of nothing but each other as they entwined hands and practically skipped off towards the exit.

That was when it hit me, brutally and suddenly. Was that the kind of reception that I was expecting in Forks? There was no guarantee that Bella would be happy to see me, in any way and for any reason. I had broken her heart. She had every right never to want to see me again and I had granted her that. I had promised to her, sworn to her. It would be as if I'd never existed. My return would completely negate those vows. If Bella was just beginning to heal, what would she do when I suddenly reappeared?

I surveyed the other reunited couples and noticed what I had failed to see before. None of them were as happy as the first two people who had caught my attention. Yes, the other couples looked content but in no other pairs of eyes was there anything equal to that joy, that exultation, that sheer bliss. That kind of love was rare, special and sacred. Even if Bella and I had ever shared anything like that, it was gone now, surely. I had made certain of that. Asking her to pick up the pieces of our broken lives whenever I felt like resuming our relationship was a horrible thing to do.

Selfish, Edward. Completely selfish, I scolded myself, as I tried to make sense of my new situation. How could I have been so cruel, so unaware of anyone else's feelings? Of course I wanted to go back but I was not the most important person to consider. I had left for reasons that still stood, firm and concrete. Bella's safety. Bella's freedom. Bella's future. All were at stake before I had left and if I returned, threatened they would be once more. Again, I had not thought my actions through fully before instigating them and now I was paying the price. My presence in Forks was not a desirable consequence to a rash decision; would I force Bella to suffer, once more, for my weaknesses? Irresponsible, selfish fool, I hissed at myself, utterly disgusted by what I'd almost done. My suffering without Bella was significant but that did not mean that I should disregard her safety merely to satisfy myself. For me, there was so much more to gain by returning to Forks but that was neither here nor there. The real question that I should have asked myself was whether Bella would be more greatly benefited by my presence in her life. Unfortunately, the table was still laid exactly as it had been before my departure; Bella would live a less dangerous and less threatened life if I was not around to constantly endanger her. Whatever I felt was not important. Bella's losses and gains were still positively weighed towards my absence. As long as I stayed away from Forks, she would have a better life.

It was with that thought, that realisation, that epiphany, that I knew what I had to do. I could never go back, no matter how much pain I was in. I could never allow myself to see Bella again.

Had I been able to cry, inevitably I would have done. The lack of tears gave me a few seconds in which to think before I lost control completely. I had to regain my composure, especially in the present company of several hundred humans. Luckily, or unluckily, my phone started to ring. Thankful for the distraction, if not the chore of having to speak to someone, I answered quickly.

"Hello?" I spoke quietly and began walking to find a less busy corridor where I could conduct my conversation without being overheard or disturbed. Alice's voice didn't come as a surprise.

"Edward, what are you doing?" She sounded frustrated which was slightly unexpected. I slid into an empty room, ignoring the 'no entry' sign on the door. Sighing in reply to Alice, I leaned against the wall.

" At the moment, I'm sure that you know that better than I do."

"Edward, first I saw you in Forks." Alice stopped but I did not say a word. I never wanted to mention Forks again. "Let's talk about that," Alice continued. "You were planning on going back to Forks?" I nodded, then realised that she couldn't see me.

"Yes." I was trying to keep my answers short and painless. Upon the short specification, I was succeeding but abysmally failing at the latter. It felt as though my non-existent heart was being ripped into shreds by a werewolf. I could tell that Alice had leant away from the phone when she shouted.

"EMMETT, YOU OWE ME $50!" More quietly, Alice spoke to me again. "Edward, why have you changed your mind?" I took a deep breath.

"Alice, it's not right. I'm only endangering Bella's life every second that I'm with her. I can't ever go back." I fought to keep my voice steady. Alice sighed.

"It's not your fault if Bella gets hurt. You do everything to protect her." Alice's words were drowning in a sympathy that could only have been Jasper-generated. I growled.

"Exactly my point. I can't protect Bella from what I am. What we are. I cannot be with her. Staying away is the only thing that I can do for her."

"Edward, one day, you are going to realise how wrong you are. I just hope that it's not too late." I growled again. My patience was rapidly disappearing.

"Don't ever say that." Alice huffed and I could picture her rolling her eyes.

"One more thing Edward." Her tone was complacent and all-knowing. I clenched my teeth in frustration.

"What is it?"

"I can still see Bella becoming a vampire." The line went dead.

I felt the metal casing of my phone dent underneath my crushing fingers.


	4. Nothing

Cold

Mourning

Dead

Empty

Lifeless

Depressed

Blank

Lost

Tortured

Hollow

Worthless

Meaningless

Absent

Grieving

Regretting

...

I had never felt so alone before.

**_(Yes, I know this is very short...it's a demi-chapter I guess. Next chapter will be longer and up this evening!! Thanks xx)_**


	5. The World Keeps Spinning

What exactly did the word 'life' intimate? Was the state of being alive designated by the subject's ability to breathe, to move around, to think? In that case, I was definitely alive. But what if life meant more than that? If life, by definition ought to involve some sort of purpose, enjoyment, quality, then I could state without a doubt that I was one hundred percent dead.

Maybe the word 'dead' had other implications too. Perhaps I was overlooking some fundamental life force that was enough to brand me as living. A dead state was one in which a person was no longer able to do anything that was open to him/her whilst they had been alive. They were absent, missing from the world. I was no longer able do to anything that I had once enjoyed and I was certainly not a part of normal society. So I was, by all definitions, dead. It struck me that I'd been dead, officially for over one hundred years already. My current state was merely an addition to the undead and unnatural creature that I was. Cold, pale and immortal were not traits connected to life as far as most people were concerned. My life was different to any other idea of life or death because somehow, for whatever reason, those two states had connected within me. I was the living dead, an immortal monster walking the Earth. My appearance had reflected that all along but my entire being had only just been matched to my exterior. I now felt that I truly was dead, as well as looking it.

I saw little purpose for my existence now. The sole reason for my survival, ever since last spring, had been Isabella Swan. Now that she was no longer a part of my life, life was hardly worth living. I could not be allowed to see her, ever again and I had accepted that fact. That did not mean, however, that I was happy with that choice, that I wanted to keep away from Bella. Of course I wanted to see her. Every single day, I yearned just to gaze upon her face, to be able to talk to her, to be able to be with her. And all those things, I could never do.

If I was honest with myself, I was waiting for one thing. One event that I knew would snap me into action, one way or another. In seventy or eighty years, Bella would no longer be alive in the same world as I. The thought sent pain cascading throughout my body. In eighty years time, I would not have an excuse to stay away because there would be nothing to stay away from. But there was also something else that I knew. Whether or not I was with Bella, I could not live in a world where she didn't exist. I could force myself to stay alive now, to stay away because I knew that Bella was still living in Forks. Everything that I did now, I was still doing it for her safety, because I loved her. When Bella was no longer here, there would be no reason at all for me to exist. And so I planned to follow her into the unknown of true death as soon as I could. I knew exactly what I would do and I had eighty years to wait out before that release came.

In those eighty years, I would pay my penance.

My phone rang in my pocket and I forced myself to answer it, desperate for something to break into my depression. I didn't even check the number. Afterwards, I wished that I had.

"Hello?" My voice sounded strange. I hadn't used it for a while. I hadn't heard many voices at all, come to think of it. I'd been trying to block out those in my head too, merely for something to do, for a way to pass the time.

The voice that answered nearly caused me to hang up. But then I decided that I could use the distraction.

"Oh, hello, Edward." Rosalie's voice sounded sarcastic, as if she hadn't expected me to answer. "Long time, no see. Or hear, actually. Perhaps I should have said long time, nothing." I sighed, loudly enough so that she'd hear me. I didn't need her sniping, on top of everything else.

"What is it, Rosalie?" I couldn't force any enthusiasm into my tone.

"What are you doing?"

"Sitting."

"I didn't mean now." Rosalie replied, frustrated. "I meant, what are you doing with your life?" I hadn't expected that question. It threw me off guard slightly. What was I going to do?

"I don't know." I answered truthfully. Let her make of that whatever she wanted.

"Come home," Rosalie replied. It was more of an order than a request. "Everyone's really missing you and it's driving me crazy. Even Emmett's miserable most of the time. You should see him!" I felt instantly guilty. Over the months, I 'd hardly spared any thoughts for my family.

"I can't do that." I knew that I'd never be able to cope with being around everyone else. It would be even more painful.

"You're so selfish!" Rosalie hissed at me. I was utterly bemused. Wasn't my great attempt not to be selfish exactly what had resulted in me sitting here, longing to be able to fulfill my wishes, knowing that I never could?

"What have I done?" I asked her, genuinely wondering how I could have upset Rosalie. I'd hardly spoken to her for months. I couldn't even remember if I'd spoken to her since I'd left Forks.

"You honestly don't know?" Rosalie's voice was dripping with sarcasm.

"What is it?" I was starting to get impatient. Was Rosalie being deliberately malicious?

"Edward, I haven't spoken to you for two months! Don't you care about your family anymore?"

"You know that I do," I told her. "It's a hard time right now. Can't you see that?"

At that, she exploded.

"THAT'S RIGHT, EDWARD, JUST TURN IT AROUND ON ME!" Rosalie was screaming down the phone. "Don't you EVER think of Carlisle and Esme? Don't you know how unhappy they are without their favourite son? No one reacted so badly when Emmett and I left for a few years! Everyone was doing fine before Alice and Jasper showed up! But the second that you leave, the entire family sink into some kind of depression. Even Alice isn't as...Alice as she normally is! She swears that you're coming home soon but we can't see that. And you don't speak to any of us from one month to the next. If that's not selfish, I don't know what is!"

I hung up abruptly. Rosalie had left me in an even worse state than before. She was right. I was being unbelievably selfish. I instantly felt guilty and ashamed for having treated my family so poorly. Rosalie was right to be angry. I could only imagine how upset everyone else would be. I hadn't tried to hear any of their thoughts for a long time, not wanting to cause anyone further distress in any way. I should have known that the only way to determine their happiness or lack of it, would be to listen to their thoughts and see for myself. None of them, aside from Rose would have truly explained to me how my departure had affected everyone else.

In a split second, I searched for the voices of my family. What I heard in their thoughts was enough. I blocked them all, before I had to endure anything more.

Every thought was of me. That made me feel even worse, for having doomed my family to the same depression that I was suffering.

The phone rang once again and I checked that it was Rosalie before answering.

"Edward, I'm sorry. I went too far..."she apologised as soon as I answered. Perhaps she had been more upset than I 'd realised. Had Rosalie really minded that I hadn't spoken to her for months?

"But it was the truth." I told her.

"What do you mean?"

"I listened to their thoughts," I explained, feeling another rush of pain as I remembered what I'd heard. And as much as I tried to block them out, they'd still be there, in the back of my mind. "I heard what you told me."

"We...we all miss you, Edward." It must have taken Rosalie a great effort to share her feelings freely with me and I appreciated it.

"I should come home," I realised, out loud. "What is there to gain by staying away?"

"Everyone would love that." Rosalie sounded honestly glad. "And maybe you'll be able to... move on?" A sharp pain stabbed my ribs and I inhaled quickly.

"I...don't think that will ever happen." I sensed, rather than heard Rosalie's sudden understanding.

"You really loved her, didn't you?" she asked sadly. More pain. It was difficult to keep myself composed.

"Could we...not talk about... that now?" I didn't want to break down whilst on the phone to Rosalie.

"So, you'll come home?" she questioned me. "Don't feel that you have to, if you..." she trailed off.

I could at least try to return. It was the least that I could do for my family. I wasn't living life for myself now, anyway. Why not live it for everyone else? For Bella, for my love and for my family. In that order, regrettably. I had vowed, long ago, that Bella would have to come first and to that, I would remain faithful, whether or not she knew it. I could still give her things without her realising that she'd ever received them. Besides, even if Bella didn't want me to be happy after what I'd done to her, she would definitely not want my family to suffer. She'd grown close to them, come to regard them as her own family and it was one of my deepest regrets that I'd been forced to take them away from her. If there was any way that I could have left the remainder of my family in Forks, I would have done. But if I had done that, Bella would never have been able to heal. I wondered, in two months, how far had she moved on? Either way, it would kill me to know the answer. I was extensively thankful for the first time, that I could not read her mind. I had no idea which would have been worse, to know that she was still hurting over me or to know that she had moved on with her life and forgotten our wonderful memories. But moving on was not an option that was available to me. Vampires didn't forget. Ever.

"Edward? Are you still there?"

Rosalie's unnaturally timid voice reminded me that I had a decision to make.

"Will you come home, Edward?"

My phone buzzed in my hand, no doubt revealing a new message from Alice. She knew what I'd chosen but I did not. I removed the phone from my ear and glanced down at the little screen. Sure enough, Alice had sent me a message. Was I going to return or not? I couldn't decide. Both options were pulling me in opposite directions. If I said no to Rosalie, everything was likely to get much worse for me. But if I said yes, I could find myself unable to cope living the life that would serve as a reminder to what had happened. As if I could ever forget anyway.

I opened Alice's message and saw exactly which path I would take...


	6. Glass Half Empty

I stood outside the front door, the newly polished wood smooth and warm beneath my frozen knuckles. I took deliberate care not to dent the antique panelling with the force of my knock. A few soft taps would suffice; my hand had hardly brushed against the wood when I heard the sound echoing throughout the hall. I guessed that the inside of the entrance hall was covered in Esme's favourite old-fashioned wood. That would explain the reverberation of my knock.

From the outside, the house was not immediately similar to any previous homes that my family had owned but upon careful inspection, it became apparent that it had been renovated by the Cullens. After over eighty years of living with her, I could easily recognise Esme's touch upon any building. The obvious sign, invisible to most humans, was the Cullen family crest engraved lightly above the doorway. It went unnoticed by most, if not all humans as their eyes usually skated over the intricate details which had been carved so gently. I could only think of one human who had ever seen the crest and that was because I had pointed it out to her..._no, don't think about that, Edward._

Sharp pains stabbed at my insides as soon as the thought swam into my mind. Reminders of lost love were not welcome in my thoughts any longer. If I was to keep away but keep sane at the same time, there was no way in which I could ever entertain thoughts of a certain human again. It was simply impossible. I could control my own mind, could I not? The pain that had washed over me was reminiscent of Jane's torture. True, I had never experienced it firsthand but I had heard the thoughts of others while they were being subjected to the sensation. Just the illusion that caused them pain was enough for me; I had suffered enough as I saw their minds. I had no wish to undergo that treatment myself. The pain that I felt now was far worse than what I imagined that Jane could do and so I needed to avoid it at all costs. I had to keep my emotions under control.

The door swung open as I took a deep breath and tried to clear my mind of any remaining unpleasant thoughts. To clear my mind in fact, would have been impossible- there were memories within that I couldn't forget and never wanted to- but I couldn't afford to dwell upon them. It would be more realistic to say that I pushed those specific thoughts to the back of my mind and left them to cluster there. I was more than slightly trepidatious that there would come a point when all those memories would refuse to linger in the dark for any longer and that they would burst into the front of my mind once more, consequently halting my nonchalance and attempted calm. Regarding this inevitable occurrence, I was unsure of two things. Firstly, how long it would take my mind to explode with pain and my concealed agonies. Would I last one hundred years or two weeks? Closer to the latter, I presumed pessimistically. Secondly, what would I do when I was overrun by hurt and regret once more? To that question, I had no answer. I would have to find out when the time came and judging by my slipping walls, the time was likely to come sooner rather than later.

I was instantly surprised as soon as I saw who was standing in the doorway. As far as my assumptions had gone, I had expected Esme or Carlisle to be the member of my family most anxious to greet me. After all that I had heard in their thoughts, they seemed to be delighted to have me back, although they too had their worries about how long any happiness of mine could last. I didn't want to correct them and explain that happiness was certainly not on my mind; I was merely playing the role of someone who lived a normal life for as long as I could force myself to.

Rosalie practically jumped out of the doorway and pulled me into a tight embrace so quickly and genuinely that I wouldn't have believed it to be her if I hadn't seen her standing in front of me just seconds before. She released me after a few moments and once the initial shock had worn off, I looked at her curiously.

_Go on then, gloat,_ Rosalie told me in her thoughts. _For some reason, I did actually miss you._

Something in her face caused a few buried memories to stir. I closed my eyes for a second, suppressing them once more. How many more times would I have to do that?

"Are you alright?" Rose asked me, honestly concerned. The change in her was astounding. I'd never have believed that she could possibly understand me, empathise with me or even desire my company. Yet here we were.

"As alright as I'll ever be, I'm afraid." I told her. My honesty was going to have to stop if I ever wanted to keep some kind of composure in front of my family.

"Before everyone else comes downstairs...I asked them...I just wanted to say..." Rose broke off and glanced down at her feet. She had deliberately blocked her thoughts.

"What?"

"I needed to say to you...mainly because I never did..."

"To say...?" I asked her quietly. No doubt that the rest of my family were listening in anyway.

"I never told you how sorry I am about what happened. It's not that I really cared for Be...well, you know what I mean. But I hated seeing you so unhappy. I'm so sorry if I played any part in that."

I had to struggle to block out Rosalie's thoughts. She was, without realising, replaying graphic images of that fateful birthday party. But it was worse looking at everything through her perspective. Rosalie had spent most of the evening homed in on the one human in the room, jealous of her ability to grow old, hating her for wanting to throw it all away. Rosalie's thoughts recalled Jasper's lapse of control with precision and accuracy. Every sound, every expression, every movement was flashing through her mind like a horror film. I quickly distracted myself from her thoughts. The stabbing hurt was working its way into my ribcage now and I was finding movement very painful, almost as if I were frozen in one position.

"I'll never bring it up again." Rosalie whispered, her perfect face contorted with her fear and anguish. Her thoughts were running wild; she was scared that she'd gone too far. She realised that it was unwise to have mentioned anything at all. I didn't trust my voice enough to speak so I just nodded.

"Twenty bucks please, Emmett," a cheerful voice from behind Rosalie announced. With a grin spread wide over her pixie features, Alice joined Rosalie at the door.

"That was cutting it pretty close, Edward," Alice complained. "Another week and I might actually have lost money."

"Someone remind me never to bet against this little terror again." Emmett growled in mock fury as he threw a note at Alice. She caught it in one swift motion and laughed.

_Long time no see._ Emmett thought._ I'd ask how you've been but I've never been one for the clichés. And it would be pretty insensitive,_ he added as an afterthought.

"Nice to have you back, little brother" was Emmett's official greeting. I forced myself to smile. Alice leaned forward and grabbed my arm.

"You'll love what Esme's done with the house. Come and see it."

Alice was jubilant as she pulled me into the hallway. As I opened up my mind to everyone else's thoughts, practically a natural action when I walked through my front door, I heard everyone's minds at once.

_Why is Alice taking such a relaxed attitude towards all of this? Psychics have it so easy._ Rosalie was clearly still feeling unhappy about what had happened to our family. Her foul moods were a cover-up for what she was really feeling. After knowing her for so long, I could read her like a book, even without additional skills.

_I've finally got someone to go hunting with._ Emmett's mind was so refreshing. He never kept any secrets; anything that he thought would be bound to come out of his mouth at some time. _I wonder if Edward could take down that many grizzlies in less than five minutes._ Typical Emmett. I would have laughed, if my mood hadn't been so false. Everything about me was a front that I had to display to everyone. In fact, I'd been putting on an act for so long that it was almost second nature to me. There was only one person who I'd ever been able to be myself with but that was over now. Time for the phantom to put his mask back on.

Esme and Carlisle were waiting at the foot of a huge staircase. The carved banisters were exactly to my taste and I knew from Alice's thoughts that she'd had something to do with that. I'd have to remember to thank her later. Esme's silent greeting reached me first.

_Welcome home, Edward. I can't tell you how much I've missed you. How we've all missed you._ I couldn't stop myself from feeling guilt when I saw her face light up. One person shouldn't affect a family so much. I hesitated for a second, deliberately blocking Carlisle's thoughts. There was so much that I wanted to tell him, so much that I needed to hear in return.

I was almost certain that I could count on Carlisle to say the right thing but if I heard something that accidentally slipped from his mind, I knew that it would affect me far more than anyone else's thoughts. I realised of course, how I had hurt my family during my extended absence but I could hardly bear to hear any evidence of that in the thoughts and memories of my family. I was a cowardly creature; I knew how I would shy away from any memories of the suffering that I had caused them. But any reminder of the hurt that I must have caused Carlisle would be too awful for me to endure. To cause any of my family pain was inexcusable, especially Esme but my creator, my father, was the one of the two beings on this Earth that I had vowed to myself that I would never cause to suffer again, after I had hurt them once. I had already broken one of those vows. The only unbroken promise now lay with Carlisle and although I was sure that I had hurt him in what I'd done, I could survive if I didn't receive knowledge of what I'd caused him. To see that I'd hurt him again would be too painful, agony beyond words. I had already massacred the heart of the one other person who I loved more than anything and to inflict suffering upon Carlisle too would convince me of the fact that I was an unlovable monster.

In Carlisle's mind there was not a clear message or single thought. He was concentrating very hard on a story. At first, I wondered if he was trying to block me from his mind. Carlisle hardly ever concealed his thoughts from me and certainly never at a time like this. Was he worried that I wouldn't be able to cope with his emotions? Did he know me better than I knew myself? After all the decades, that was highly likely. I probed further into his thoughts and then realised what he was doing.

I'd always known how much cleverer Carlisle was than the rest of us even, as Rosalie often put it, more so than perfect Edward. In Carlisle's mind, there were no hidden messages of welcome, there was merely a parable from the Bible. Once Carlisle had thought it through fully, he addressed a silent message to me.

_I have never had a full understanding of that story until now._

With that one thought, I realised that Carlisle had forgiven me for everything. I didn't deserve someone as compassionate and forgiving as he.

If there was one person who I wished that I could let into my mind, it would have been Carlisle, without a doubt. He was the most accepting of my gift and was never once frustrated with me for the lack of privacy that I gave everyone. It wasn't easy to share everything with him, especially at a time like this. If my thoughts were in the mind of another, I couldn't imagine a mind more desirable than Carlisle's. I was sure that my pain would have been slightly eased if I knew that someone else was able to see what I was going through, if I knew that I wasn't alone.

But I knew, even though I was surrounded by those whom I loved the most, that I was alone. Completely alone.


	7. Only Vampires Can Regret Forever

How long had it been? Three hours? Four? Five?

My watch told me that fifteen minutes had passed. I growled to myself. I had been so sure that I could do this.

"...is Emmett's 'study'. Don't ask me what he needs a study for! Have you ever seen Emmett working? Ever?" I let her trail off and then realised that she was expecting a response. I shook my head, trying to communicate that I couldn't really care less about Emmett's study. My temper was close to boiling point. I would have thought that a psychic would be able to sense that.

"Honestly Edward, do you even care?" Alice snapped. "You could at least pretend to be interested." I growled at her then, very loudly and aggressively.

"No Alice, I do not care. Why won't you stop bothering me? Everyone else has got the message!"

Alice pulled her arm out of mine and pouted at me. From the look in her eyes, I could see that she was genuinely upset.

_I've missed you, Edward._ Alice told me in her thoughts.

"Did you think that I wouldn't care when my favourite brother went running off?" Alice asked me quietly. I hung my head. I hadn't realised how much Alice would miss me. She was used to her future changing and I thought that she, of all people, would have accepted the new arrangement.

"I thought you saw me coming home."

"I did."

"But you were still unhappy?" Alice brought the vision to the front of her mind. I stared at the image for a moment. I was shocked by how...dead I looked. I thought that I'd been covering up my emotions much better than that.

"I didn't know when you were coming home," Alice told me. "It could have been the next day or the next century."

"I needed time. I'm sorry for what I inflicted upon everyone. I never meant for the family to suffer alongside me." Alice gazed at me, her pixie's face unnaturally serious.

"We were always going to suffer along with you, Edward because you are the rock in this family." I was bemused for a moment. How was I the 'rock'?

"The rock? Are you sure that you're not getting me confused with Carlisle?" Alice raised an eyebrow and smirked.

"As much as I'm sure you'd like that, no, I'm not. You're the rock, the brother who's always been there. Maybe a little silent at times, maybe a little outcast but you were always there. And you could hear our thoughts. I never felt lonely when I knew that you were listening. You'd never mock me for what you heard and even if I wasn't alright, even if there was no one that I could tell, you would know. And Edward, you helped me a lot when I was a newborn. I couldn't remember anything about my human life and not knowing, at first, upset me almost as much as knowing and remembering did to Rose."

"I remember." I whispered. Alice took my arm in hers.

"But you helped me through that, when no one else could. Jasper had too much of a hard time adjusting to a 'vegetarian' life to take on all of my problems too. He felt my sadness though and although he's never said anything to you, he was very grateful to you for helping me at the time when he wasn't able to."

I wasn't able to speak. There were no words to explain to Alice exactly what hers meant to me.

"We need you in this family almost as much as we want you." Alice half-smiled and hesitated before continuing. I caught a flash of what she was going to say just a second before she opened her mouth.

"I thought you should know, my visions from last year are still clear. One day, she will be a vampire." I didn't need to ask who Alice was talking about. My chest was cut by a million knives just as I let myself think her name. To hear it, or to hear it spoken would be the worst torture of my existence. Alice's eyes glazed over with pity as she saw my reaction.

"Edward, end this pain. I can see you with her again. It's practically set in stone. You can't mess around with fate." I shook my head, as if enough movement would loosen the ties that I still felt to her. With every mention of her, I felt that they were still in place. As strong, if not stronger than the last time that I'd felt them.

"Edward, go back." Alice urged me.

"I will never return to Forks." I vowed, looking Alice straight in the eyes as I spoke. Her face fell.

"She was my best friend, Edward," Alice whispered, her voice cracking slightly. "I miss her." I leant against the door frame and closed my eyes, rubbing my temples with my fingertips.

"Alice, I can't do this now," I began but she cut in over me.

"After all we've done for you! After everything Carlisle and Esme have gone through! I can't believe that you're going to do this to us!" Alice was past anger; her body was shaking and she brought her hand to her eyes as if she were about to wipe away tears. I felt guilty beyond words but I didn't see how I could calm her.

"Alice..." I started.

"NO, EDWARD!" Alice screamed at me. "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? WHY ARE YOU HURTING YOURSELF LIKE THIS?" Alice was clutching a door handle that had completely crumpled in her grip. It was now moulded to fit the shape of her fist.

"Edward, I can't bear seeing you in so much...pain. Don't you realise how hard this is for us to see you this way? Can't you IMAGINE how horrible every single day is for Jasper? Not only does he have to feel his own pain and guilt but he has to sense everyone else's and hold himself responsible for it all! It's no wonder that he's hardly inside the house anymore! And I know that it's going to end and I keep telling Esme and Carlisle that. But I can't see how much longer this is going to go on for. It's killing me! I know that you'll see sense someday but I don't want you to be in pain until then."

Alice paused to compose herself. She looked straight at me and I didn't know what to think. I knew that I could never go back. But Alice seemed convinced...

"Edward, I'm sorry for what I'm about to do." I tried to look but she was blocking her mind with an annoying pop song. "This may hurt you even more but it's the future. It's YOUR future." Alice closed her eyes and winced as she forced a vision into her mind.

As soon as I caught a glimpse of it, I was out of the landing window and racing down the sloping lawn.

No. No. No. I didn't want to see that. Was Alice crazy? What did she think that the vision would do to me, apart from torture me into insanity? I snarled so loudly that the branches on a tree next to me shook. I then wrenched the entire tree out of the ground and hurled it across the nearby lake. When I reached the shore, the water was peaceful and still. I collapsed on the sandy bank and wished that it were possible for me to die.

Hard as I tried, I couldn't get the vision out of my head. I cursed Alice as I replayed it countless times, marvelling at the wonder of it and then experiencing the immense agony that came with the realisation that it could never happen.

I was sitting in some sort of waiting room, I presumed, although I was paying very little attention to the surrounding area. Alice was sitting next to me but that was nothing out of the ordinary. The best (and worst) part of Alice's vision was that Bella was curled up in my arms.

The agony I felt when I remembered the vision would have killed a human. The love that I saw in my eyes, in Bella's eyes would have been enough to persuade a weaker being to return. But I was not a weaker being. I could not be. I had to be strong, for the sake of the beautiful creature in my arms in the vision. What wouldn't I have given for that to have been a possible future for me, for us? But it was not feasible. It never would be. Thanks for the false hope, Alice.

"Mind if I cut in?"

I shifted my position in a millisecond and spun around to see Jasper standing directly behind me. I felt calm waves wash over me and I was very grateful for his gift. I would need his help a lot in the next few months, years, decades.

_Alice told me what happened. Don't think badly of her._

"I don't." Which was only partly true.

_She wanted you to know that even now, you still have those options._

"No, I don't," I snapped. "I won't endanger her again." I glared pointedly at Jasper and instantly regretted it. I felt his guilt swarm over both of us before he could retract it and replace it with earlier's calm.

"Thanks for that, Edward."

"I'm sorry Jas. Please forgive me. That was out of line." Jasper sat down on the sand beside me.

"How can you forgive me when I can't even forgive myself? I never expected you to forget that in hurry. It was probably one of the stupidest things that I've ever done." Jasper hung his head in shame.

"You couldn't help it. Everyone understands that."

"Why am I so weak?" Jasper muttered to himself. I sighed.

"Jas, it's not something that you can just turn on and off. It's your instinct." I didn't want him to feel guilty over something that was hurting me. One of us may as well be free from the remorse and torture.

"Are you staying with us now?" Jasper asked me, sounding very hopeful. I wasn't even sure of the answer myself.

"For a while. I don't know how long I'll last." Jasper stood up.

"I'm so sorry for everything that's happened and every part that I've played in it," Jasper whispered. "I've hurt the entire family." I slowly lifted myself up from the sandy shore.

"You're not to blame," I told him. "I shouldn't have started this in the first place."

I could feel Jasper's gratitude and I hugged him, glad that there was someone who could help to ease my suffering a little.

"I'll be there whenever you need me, bro." Jasper told me.

As we walked back to the house together, a strange calm swam over me. It was probably entirely Jasper-generated but I appreciated it all the same. Was there a chance that I could make it through this with the help, support and love of my family?

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hi! Sorry about the huge updating gap!! I'd just like to thank some of my faithful reviewers who have stuck with the story so far! SprinkledWithTwilight, Robin.D, KrazyKarah and so many more! I think that Robin.D and SprinkledWithTwilight have reviewed every chapter so far so thank you so much!!! I never expected such a lot of response to this fic!! **

**Anyway, because I haven't updated any of my fics for a while, I thought I'd do two chapter for The End in one night! I just got into it and didn't want to stop writing (even though it is quite late and I have the dentist tomorrow morning at 8.30am :( **

**I have exams until June 17th and during that time I am likely to be V BAD at updating regularly. Writing fan fics makes a great break from revision but I may not have a lot of time. After June 17th, I will have unlimited spare time in the day and my aim then is to get all my current fics finished off before the summer hols are over. I have a few ideas for some more and if anyone else has any that they'd like to see me write, please tell me in a review!!**

**All I can say now is this author's note is almost as long as my chapter :S and I hope you are all enjoying the story!! Thank you SO MUCH to all my lovely reviewers, I LOVE YOU ALL, I really do!!**

**XXXX **

**El Leon Y La Oveja**


	8. A Severed Lifeline

"Honestly, it won't be a problem," Alice assured Carlisle. "I can see that." Carlisle did not look convinced and I knew the reason for his concerns, or rather, concern. It took me a great effort just to lift my head.

"It's fine." I muttered quietly. Apparently not quietly enough. I felt six pairs of eyes staring at me. With six sets of thoughts to match the people.

_For Aro's sake, what does it matter now? He's home. No one told me that we weren't allowed to carry on living...or whatever we do... _Rosalie was starting to become irritated by the amount of attention that I was receiving. Attention that I could have done without. I wished that everyone would simply leave me alone.

_Why can't everyone chill out? Would it be a stupid idea to suggest hunting tonight?_ I would have warned Emmett not to, had I been in a better mood. As it was, I just let his intentions pass me by. If I wasn't so attuned to his thoughts, or anyone else's for that matter, I would have completely blocked them. I was definitely not trying to hear anyone's mind. It took more effort than I could spare. Perhaps I could be grateful that it was almost a natural reflex to me. Grateful...could I be thankful for anything that had happened to me in the last century? I was beginning to wonder if everything had been a huge mistake. Maybe I had never been destined for this life. Should I have died? That was a welcome thought at the present.

_I shouldn't have said anything. I bet Edward's really annoyed with me._ Jasper, as it had become so customary for him over the last few months, was blaming himself for bringing the subject up. Had I been in his shoes, I probably wouldn't have mentioned it but then again, Jasper and I were very different. And he shouldn't have to suffer due to my bad choices. None of them should...but yet they were.

"Edward?" Esme broke into Jasper's thoughts. I nodded, feeling too numb and dead to bother replying verbally.

"Are you sure that you're okay with this?" I nodded once more, praying that they would leave me alone. I knew that Esme was just trying to be kind, as she always was. But I didn't have the energy to respond to my family.

"I'm just going to get some fresh air." I told them as I made my way from the room. I had to get away from them.

Outside, I started running. What was the matter with me? Why couldn't I stand being in the same room as my family anymore? How did Esme even manage to aggravate me? She was kindest and most loving of all of my family so why was I having such a negative reaction to any kind of contact with her, with any of them?

Vampires, in general, did not experience drowsiness as we had no need of sleeping. I had never however, felt so emotionally and mentally exhausted as I did then. I was tired of everything, of company, of hunting, of life. There was nothing that could occupy my mind. Reading didn't even capture my attention for a minute. I had thrown my iPod out of the window a few days ago, out of mere frustration. Every single song seemed to taunt me, haunt me, remind me. I couldn't bear living in a world that held those memories. I didn't even think that I could survive them for much longer. And what would be my death? A return? Never. Even in my darkest moments, in the most despondent of days, did I consider going back. That was the one path that I could never take. On this Earth, I would have imagined that I would be able to find something to interest me, some place to go where I could feel that I belonged.

It was not until I stopped that I realised where I was.

Alaska.

In front of me was Tanya's house. I hadn't ever made a conscious decision to visit there but I presumed that it was mostly instinctual. Whenever I couldn't face my life at home, whenever any of us couldn't, we tended to run to Tanya. It wasn't due to her that we chose Alaska, it was mainly the location that was inviting to vampires. Also, the journey to her residence was usually a welcome escape from whatever problems we were running from; it gave us time to think.

Before I could even knock on the door, Kate was standing outside. I blinked at her, not having expected to have to face company so soon.

"Edward." It was not the standard greeting that I usually received from the Denali sisters. Someone had obviously been in contact with them. I guessed Rosalie.

"Hello Kate." My voice sounded rusty, unused as if I'd forgotten how to speak. Kate gave me a strange look.

_Gosh, Rose was right, she thought. He looks absolutely terrible._ I would have blushed, had I been able to.

"Edward...it's been a while." I could think of nothing to say to that and it seemed that was as far as her welcome was going to go. Kate studied my face for a few moments while we stood outside her front door in silence.

"I...heard about...what happened. In Forks..." Kate trailed off when she saw my expression.

"Please don't." I whispered, in agony. I couldn't control my emotions if I met any reminder of what had happened. I never wanted to uncover those memories again. They were far too torturous to dwell upon, even for a split second.

"Sorry."

_Wow, he is completely torn up about this. Rose could have given me a bit more warning. Thank God that Alice had the sense to call us. At least Tanya was able to kick her little boyfriend out...seeing them wouldn't have done Edward any favours...Tanya can't keep her hands off him._ Kate's mind was reeling. Obviously Alice had seen me on my way to Alaska, knowing full well where I was going before I did. I was grateful that she had phoned ahead. I doubted that the Denali sisters were in the mood for my dismal company. I regretted bestowing myself upon anyone, even for an hour because I knew how unpleasantly I was likely to behave. I didn't plan on staying for long, at least, I didn't think I did but my mind could change in one moment and Alice would be the first to know.

"Katie, where are your manners? Are you going to stand out there on the doorstep all night?"

I looked up at the sky and indeed, it was darkening. Tanya strolled through the doorway and leant casually against the frame.

"Look who's arrived," she greeted me, playfully. "I was wondering if the Cullens were going to drop another visit on us sometime soon. Now you're living much closer, you know it's very rude not to drop in now and then, don't you?" Tanya winked but I could see the hesitation in her face and read it in her thoughts.

_Is Edward even in there anymore? He actually looks dead...well, for a vampire, I suppose that's not exactly hard but even so...I can't see that sparkle in his eyes anymore. Wait a minute, his eyes are BLACK! Has he been hunting in the last month?_

"Edward?" Tanya stepped forward, concern on her face. "You...you're so...your eyes...when was the last time you went hunting?" I shrugged, not in a rude or dismissive manner but in a way that told her that I honestly didn't know, that I hadn't even been keeping track.

_Geez, he must have about as much self-control as Carlisle, Kate thought incredulously. How does he manage to pull that off? I'd been slaughtering men in their sleep if I let my eyes get so..._

_I need to call Carlisle. _Tanya worried mentally. _I need to find out what's going on. I want the whole story._

"Edward, are you staying here tonight?" Tanya asked me. The question threw me off track slightly. Was I staying?

"I...don't think so..." I let my voice trail off. Tanya's face fell.

"It's no trouble, really." I shook my head.

"It's fine. I should be getting...home." Where was home anyway?

"Well, if you're sure...then I have a rather delicious human friend who I'd love to have over instead," Kate winked. "And by delicious, I'm not referring to his blood...although that certainly can sing a little tune when it wants..."

Tanya rolled her eyes.

"Kate, just get inside." Kate waved at me from the top step.

"I'll see you, Edward." she called. I nodded although I was wishing that she would disappear. The company was tiring me again. I couldn't even summon up enough effort to converse politely with family friends.

I was alone outside, aside from Tanya who had walked down the steps and was standing closer to me.

"No human for me to go back to tonight," Tanya mused, sighing. "I'm all alone." She wasn't the only one. I wasn't going home tonight, that was definite. I couldn't face everyone.

"I'd better go." I forced the speech. A verbal goodbye was standard. It would have been rude simply to run away, although I wished that I could. Tanya sidled ever closer...too close.

"Don't leave tonight, Edward..." Tanya whispered into the night air. "Don't leave now..." I swallowed hard.

"I have to leave." I didn't mean for my words to sound to harsh but they slipped out before I could retract some of the pain and anguish from them.

"No, you don't," Tanya argued softly. "Edward, you are suffering, you're in so much pain." I couldn't even open my mouth to deny it. My defences were crumbling and I wasn't sure how much longer I would be able to restrain my memories, the majority of my agony and my choking emotions.

"Please let me help..." Tanya begged, taking my hand softly. The touch of another creature felt wrong, felt alien. "I hate seeing you this way." I shook my head, biting my lip to stop the screams, the howls and the tortures of my agony from spilling out.

_I've had my heart broken by humans too..._

Tanya's thoughts were too much. At her words, all my memories flooded into my mind.

BELLA...

The name that I had avoided thinking of, speaking, mentioning, in months. Everything came rushing back, all at once.

_The meadow. Our first day out together. Bella's hair, gleaming in the sunlight, my skin sparkling, the warmth, the radiance of her touch on my frozen hand...our first kiss..._

_Bella in biology...Bella watching my family play baseball...Bella lying on the floor of a ballet studio, wounded, threatened, endangered..._

The cries, screams and howls burst from my lips. I was unable to control it any longer. I sank to my knees in front of Tanya, who was blinking at me, completely stunned.

"Edward...I..."

But when she saw my face, she didn't speak. She pulled her mobile out of her pocket as I clawed at the paving stones on the ground, shaking with my misery, regret, distress. If vampires went to hell, this was where I was doomed to spend eternity. This was my hell. Eternal suffering. No chance of redemption. No way out.

Tanya was on the phone to Carlisle but I wasn't listening clearly. My ears were ringing, my entire body was aching, exhausted but unable to let go. I felt as if my bones and muscles had been elastic bands, being stretched out until they snapped. My snapped and broken self was experiencing the agony once more. Since my last lapse in control, my emotions had intensified, they were killing me in a million new ways that I had never believed possible. What hurt the most was that I had to try to remember why I had left Forks, to keep me from going back. And I couldn't bear to remember. But every single day, I still had to.

"Edward, Carlisle's going to pick you up..."

Voices were echoing in my ears but whether they belonged to long-lost memories, human days or the present, I couldn't decipher. I buried my head in my arms and cried tearlessly, regretting everything that I'd ever done.

I had never known such pain. There were no words. And for me, there was no escape. As I lay helpless in Alaska, a thought crossed my mind for the first time since my rebirth. If I could go back and change my life, I would not choose this immortal life of pain and hurt. For the first time, I wished that I had died in 1918.

_Game over._


End file.
